Making my luck

I’ve probably written this here before, but I expected life to be easier. I remember complaining to Greg last summer about how I thought something really good would have happened to us by then.

“If you think something is going to happen to make up for Genevieve’s death, it’s not,” Greg said.

Obviously nothing could make up for our loss, but I thought that life would even out somehow. We would quickly have a red-faced, wailing third baby. I would find an amazing job. At the very least, the neighbors with the pack of noisy, menacing dogs would move out.

None of these events came to pass. And I was surprised. Hadn’t I earned it? I had survived one of the worst things that a person can survive. Goodness and plenty should have rained from the sky onto my front lawn.

This past year has taught me that sometimes life is unfair. Then, it just continues to be unfair. I truly did expect that good things would happen just because I was due for some good luck. And something good did happen — my Motherlode piece. That didn’t drop from the sky though. It came after much pacing and rewriting and lying awake in the middle of the night. It came from hard work.

I can see now, finally, that a baby must come from that same place. I need to quit asking “Why me?” and waiting for my luck to change. I will never understand why this drought settled over our home. Understanding would not change the outcome. Better to stop pondering and plunge forward with the hard work that will actually bring a baby — a fought for, willed-into-life baby — to our home.

9 thoughts on “Making my luck

  1. As has been mention before on here, I am your opposite. I think you have been trying too hard to get pregnant. I have a different approach.

    Formula for babies & serenity:
    1. Go to confession
    2. Go to mass, everyday (actually pray… don’t just sit there thinking about the rest of your day; not saying that I am not occasionally guilty of this.)
    3. Pray rosary daily as a family, or at adoration, no need to be overly creative with your own prayers, God already knows what you want.
    4. Believe, and repeat until death

    This works for me, I have been very blessed in my life, no need for luck : ). Even if you think my formula is dumb, you can’t escape it since I will continue to pray for you, everyday. (Probably several times, daily mass, nightly, etc.) Be patient, God never works on our schedule. – Dan

  2. Wow Dan, I’m glad you’ve been so blessed in your life. I have too. Unfortunately, when your child dies, that overshadows the other many blessings we all have.

    By all means, keep praying. There are many wonderful parents out there who are not able to parent the children they want and love. And too many children living with parents who don’t appreciate them. They can use all the prayers in the world. But your comment is condescending and insensitive (to put it mildly). Until you have walked the walk (and even then) do not suggest patience or prayers as the cure for what pains us. Do not suggest anything. Good friends listen. And offer encouragement. And listen some more. And ask non-judgemental questions. And listen more.

    Sarah, wishing you love and luck as this journey continues!

  3. Sarah, I think that’s one of the hardest things to learn. Just because something terrible has happened to us, doesn’t mean that something good will to balance it out. We lost our daughter in March of last year; when I got pregnant again, I told myself that it HAD to work out, because of what we’d been through. It didn’t. All we can do is work at it, and hope for the best.

    I’m sending you good wishes for that baby!

  4. There is a total “things will turn around” attitude that people have after loss. I think I hoped for things to turn around for a long time after we lost our baby, and it took a lot for me to realize that I was the one who had to turn things around and that no matter what I did I couldn’t make anything perfect.

    But those moments of victory — for me a graduation and getting my dream job — are all the more sweet when you realize they’re yours. I hope that’s true with a baby, too. As we embark on the scary prospect of “trying again” it sometimes seems like heartbreak is the most likely outcome. But I know that happy, wriggly, chubby-cheeked outcomes are possible too, so I keep hoping and working hard.

    Thanks for writing this — as always you’re so thoughtful and your words are beautiful. :)

  5. I can relate to exactly what you are saying. I lost my daughter in September 2011. It is hard to not feel like I am “owed” a bit of good fortune after that. Unfortunately, I miscarried my subsequent pregnancy. I am blessed with a beautiful 6 year old daughter, though. I guess we had to look at the good things we do have in our lives and not just rely on “luck” – although a little bit of it wouldn’t hurt!

  6. I have felt the same way. In 6 months, I lost my job because of pregnancy discrimination, my husband didn’t pass a major finance exam, end-of-year bonuses were lowered drastically at the company he works at, and then we lost our baby at 38 weeks (she was our first).

    I felt like something good has to happen eventually and then I remembered what my dad always says: “life is tough and then you die.” It sounds like the most depressing thing to say but it made me realize that something good doesn’t just have to happen – I need to make something happen and the things that I can control, I need to do them well. So, I got the part-time job, still on track to finish my masters, and we’re back to trying to conceive. My hopes aren’t up but we’ll see.

  7. Hi Sarah,
    I am new to your blog, but not new to the pain of losing a baby! I totally understand what you feel. I felt the same, just waiting for my life to change and days blurring into months!! its so damn unfair when we have to face such an ordeal and the rest of the world just moves on. I would suggest you take a vaccation for a week or so. That helped us a lot! Try and keep yourself busy and ofcourse continue to blog! I dont blog,but I know everyone says its an excellent therapy. Sending love and warmth to you.

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