One of the things I miss most about having an office job is the neat division of my day. I knew when to work and when to focus on my family and when to take time for myself. My life now is messy.

I should be working when Eleanor is at school, but she naps at least some afternoons, so that is potential work time as well. And I have to be home when she naps, whereas I can go to the grocery store or library while she is at school. So on many days, I delay work until the afternoon. Of course, after running errands, cleaning up the house, and occasionally exercising, I’m ready for a break by afternoon. I end up browsing news stories and blogs and doing very little work unless a deadline looms.

Even when I sit down to work, I hop up every 10 minutes to put clothes into the dryer or to water the wilting plant that I spot in my peripheral vision. There’s a lot of multi-tasking. There’s a lot of mediocrity.

I could ā€” and should ā€” be doing more with my time. This really hit me yesterday when I was reading the blog of another baby loss mom. She lamented that she was going to fail at her goal of reading 100 books this year. She had only read 50 so far. That’s more than a book a week! And this from someone who has a toddler and a job outside the house.

I wish that I were reading more and working more. I would exchange some flexibility for being able to feel that I had actually earned that night out at the movies. This is not a bashing of stay-at-home parents. This is just saying that I could do more to live up to my potential. On a side note, I think that retirement will make me bonkers someday.

All of this is weighing on me as I try to figure out what I will do after I have this baby. Obviously, a healthy baby is the supreme priority. I’ve spent so many years focused on that goal that I’m not sure what comes after. I really love the balance of working part time outside the house. I like how it gives me a sense of purpose and how it relieves some of the pressure on Greg career-wise. I also know, unfortunately, that finding a good part-time job is nearly impossible.

This is the point where I should neatly conclude my post. I don’t have any wisdom or answers at the moment. I did manage to write this whole thing without popping up to blow-dry my hair or grab a snack. That’s a start, right?