What do I really want?

I have this habit where I ponder huge life changes when I become bored. Greg and I discussed this last night. When he becomes bored, he researches products he might like to buy. When I become bored, I research graduate schools. A bored Greg might buy a new camera strap. A bored Sarah might apply to nurse practitioner school in Nashville. One of us is slightly more interesting to live with. One of us is also slightly more crazy-making.

I mentioned to Greg a few days ago that, hey, as long as I’m changing careers, I could just go ahead and have another baby. It’s not like I would have to worry about having a gap in my resume if I’m returning to school. And Greg gave his standard raised-eyebrow look: Are you really bringing this up again?

You guys, am I really bringing this up again? We are done. We agreed that we were done right after Henry was born. And then when Henry was a year old and 18 months and on and on. I gave away the maternity clothes to make it final. It wasn’t final. At least once a month, I bring it up again. All of my friends are done having babies and seem pretty settled with their decisions. I feel as though I will be 50 and still pondering adoption.

Our family is always missing a daughter, so I’m not sure whether it’s possible for me to get to a point of feeling done the way other women do. I often think I want another (living!) child. Given my infertility/stillbirth/high-risk pregnancy history, it’s laughable that I’ve spent more than a year agonizing about this. As if deciding to have a baby really means something.

In direct opposition to the baby thing, I also want more time in the adult world. I am much happier when working, and I would like to at least be building toward whatever career I will have down the road. And part of me thinks that if I got back into my career or went to grad school, I would lose interest in having another baby. Is the baby thing just about boredom?

I’m reading back over this and feeling like I need a therapist. I thought I would be better at this adulthood thing by now.

3 thoughts on “What do I really want?

  1. Ha- you have read my mind. Except that I do have the job. I also go back and forth between one more baby on a regular basis. I wish I knew whether all these “firsts” with Josie were my last firsts. I also wonder if I will never feel as if my family is complete, because you know, in this lifetime it never will be. It’s a shitty feeling.

  2. I go back and forth on the one (or more) children question in my head at least 10 times a day. I try to not raise it with my husband too often because we both feel like there is little we can do to make it happen. But the thought is there constantly. And like you said (again), so are thoughts about how I would love some more time to myself, which obviously doesn’t happen with another baby.

    Maybe you hit the nail on the head with the comment about your family doesn’t feel complete because you lost a baby? I always think about how our B should have an older sister who is alive.

  3. I feel the same way about another baby and I’m currently expecting a fourth in August. My last daughter was stillborn at 37 weeks last July and we are expecting a boy so i also feel like my daughter is missing out on a baby sister, expecially when she thought she was going to have one. I will be 40 this year so more babies seem crazy (to me and my family) but its hard to be so final and draw that line that we are done. Also this pregnancy is so tough since i am constantly worried. I was supposed to be done by 39, but nothing goes as planned…

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