I have this habit where I ponder huge life changes when I become bored. Greg and I discussed this last night. When he becomes bored, he researches products he might like to buy. When I become bored, I research graduate schools. A bored Greg might buy a new camera strap. A bored Sarah might apply to nurse practitioner school in Nashville. One of us is slightly more interesting to live with. One of us is also slightly more crazy-making.
I mentioned to Greg a few days ago that, hey, as long as I’m changing careers, I could just go ahead and have another baby. It’s not like I would have to worry about having a gap in my resume if I’m returning to school. And Greg gave his standard raised-eyebrow look: Are you really bringing this up again?
You guys, am I really bringing this up again? We are done. We agreed that we were done right after Henry was born. And then when Henry was a year old and 18 months and on and on. I gave away the maternity clothes to make it final. It wasn’t final. At least once a month, I bring it up again. All of my friends are done having babies and seem pretty settled with their decisions. I feel as though I will be 50 and still pondering adoption.
Our family is always missing a daughter, so I’m not sure whether it’s possible for me to get to a point of feeling done the way other women do. I often think I want another (living!) child. Given my infertility/stillbirth/high-risk pregnancy history, it’s laughable that I’ve spent more than a year agonizing about this. As if deciding to have a baby really means something.
In direct opposition to the baby thing, I also want more time in the adult world. I am much happier when working, and I would like to at least be building toward whatever career I will have down the road. And part of me thinks that if I got back into my career or went to grad school, I would lose interest in having another baby. Is the baby thing just about boredom?
I’m reading back over this and feeling like I need a therapist. I thought I would be better at this adulthood thing by now.