Category Archives: Conversations

We took Eleanor to the Texas Coast last week. This was her first trip to the beach (aside from that one trip four years ago that I’m still trying to erase from my memory). Her preschool teacher had just done a unit on the ocean, so this was also a fun way to build on what she had learned.

It made me think back to a family that Greg and I met many years ago when we were on vacation in Costa Rica. The parents and their two children had been traveling for a month or two. The kids were home-schooled, and the parents built some of their lessons around the trips that they took. Greg and I were young and idealistic, and it was clear to us that this family was the family to emulate. We would home-school. We would travel the world. We would eschew the educational system that only taught kids to color in the lines and take multiple choice tests.

Now that we have a child and do not have the money to quit our jobs and travel the world, we have to decide how we will actually educate her. I do not have the patience to home-school, and I think it’s good for Eleanor to learn to be around other children. We live in a good school district and are across the street from the school Eleanor would attend.

Of course, our good school district is in Texas, which isn’t a state known for outstanding academics. Texas also requires students to take more standardized tests than any other state. Public high school students must pass 15 tests to graduate. I don’t have a problem with students needing to pass a test to finish school, but I do question the need for so many, especially when they are written by someone working for a testing company rather than the teacher of the students.

I dislike the way public schools have slashed art, music, foreign language, and history so that students have more time to be drilled on math and reading. Because a love of music might inspire a child to learn math. And history might spark an interest in reading. And as much as I know that we need more engineers, some children are meant to be artists and dancers and museum curators.

For every argument I have against sending Eleanor to our local school, I have a counter-argument. I grew up in a mediocre school district, though I was lucky to attend some of the best schools in that district. I know that parents and individual teachers have far more influence on education than the school as a whole. I like that I would already know many of the other parents and kids at the school when Eleanor begins. And she could walk there! And we wouldn’t have to pay anything more than our property taxes!

When I consider the successful people I know — and I’m defining success as having a career that you like and excel at — their success is generally not a result of the schools they attended. Or at least, it doesn’t appear to be. Their success comes from a passion for their jobs and a constant desire to learn and grow. Were they taught those qualities? At home or at school?

I’m aware that this isn’t a true problem — choosing between a good public school and a private school. I know that many parents have no choice but to send their children to struggling schools. I want Eleanor to have a great education, but school is only part of an education. Will attending an Ivy League school someday make her a happier person? Or a more generous person? I doubt it. That doesn’t mean I’m going to quit trying to save for Harvard though, you know, just in case.

We took Eleanor to the park to get bluebonnet photos over the weekend. I have learned over the years, just as every parent does, that plans with children seldom work as you expect. In the case of these photos, the sun pierced too brightly from overhead, and burrs buried amongst the flowers poked at ankles and hands. Oh, and Eleanor spotted a bee and wanted to flee the field.

I had a difficult time ignoring my memories of our photo shoot last year, when I nearly effervesced with hope. After I had Genevieve, two different doctors advised me to wait a year before I tried to get pregnant. Last spring, I hadn’t quite reached a year, but I had waited long enough. We were ready. I just knew that by this year, we would be taking a photo with Eleanor and our new baby.

I am a planner, always have been. When I was in school, I was that annoying kid who started writing the 10-page paper a week in advance, just as the teacher suggested. I kept calendars and lists, and I did well in school and, later, in my job, which only reinforced my urge to plan everything. For a while after I had Genevieve, I completely quit planning because I needed to focus purely on survival. But gradually, I started to plan things again — vacations, freelance jobs, and another baby.

Lately, I’ve given up on the planning again. I’m making reservations for our surprise trip in two months, and even that feels precarious. What if I’m pregnant then? What if I’m not? And my freelance career is haphazard at best. I’m still getting jobs but not following any sort of path the way I think that I should.

We’re supposed to live in the moment, right? That’s the key to happiness. I do worry less now that I have no idea what is happening next month, never mind next year. The surprise element of my job can also be fun. Still, I like striving for goals, and some part of my personality needs to be fed in that way. Sometimes plans don’t work. I get it by now. There’s something lovely though about putting out that hope again that things can work. I would like to reach a point — soon, please — where my footing is firm enough that I can gaze into the distance a bit.

I have a few friends who are raising only children. They, too, have ridden the infertility roller coaster and decided to get off and be happy with the life they have. I sometimes ask myself why I can’t do the same. How about a little grace?

Plenty of people have told me how grateful I should be for Eleanor. Perhaps my drive to have another baby makes me look ungrateful. Or maybe they just see me as needing a reminder. I am very grateful for Eleanor — every single day. My desire to have another baby is not because of some lack in my life. It is because my life is so rich and because I love being Eleanor’s mom.

(How could you not love her?)

Genevieve has a role as well. Before I became pregnant with her, Greg and I had talked about just keeping our family of three. I think I might have grown comfortable with that if I hadn’t gone through the pregnancy, if the infertility had shown up then instead.

I want Eleanor to learn both perseverance and grace, and the best way to teach something is to make your own life an example. I hope that she never goes through anything as difficult as what her dad and I have. Life will inevitably knock her down somehow though. And hopefully she will know when to fight and when to give thanks for what she has and move on.