Category Archives: Monthly letter

Month seventeen

Dear Eleanor,

Today you turned 17 months old. Like a summer action movie, this month has been louder, faster and higher. You are a wild woman, and having seen how you throw yourself toward danger at this tender age, I fear I will never be able to let you get behind the wheel of a car. Just plan to live someplace with good public transportation.

How high can you climb? Well, we aren’t sure yet, but you’re trying to answer this question daily. You throw the upper half of your body over our office chair and then drag yourself up with your arms. Hey, look at that, now that you’re on the chair, it’s so easy to climb onto the desk. And now you can lay on our computer keyboards and pound the keys. What fun! I expect Daddy will finally be getting that new computer he wants because you’ll break our current one any day now.

This climbing scenario plays out in every room of the house. You have climbed onto the kitchen table and and have even started to work on scaling our bookcases. You love to bounce on our couches, and when you look like you’re about to fly off head-first, Dad and I lunge to catch you. Then you pull back and laugh mischievously because it is so funny that you can scare Mom and Dad.

When something is a little too high for you to climb, you shriek in frustration.  You’ve been slow to talk, though you understand us just fine, and I think you’re getting upset that we don’t grasp your babble. Americans are just so ignorant of foreign languages. The words that you have learned give good insight into your interests: shoes, dog, ball, out. I’m always asking you to identify objects, and you’re pretty clever about it. I’ll point at something and say, “What is that?” and you’ll answer, “that.” Duh, Mom! You just told me. So I’ll ask, “What is this?” and you’ll answer “this.”

What you lack in vocabulary, you make up for in physicality. You are close to hitting an outright run as you scamper about the house. You love to go outside and play with a hose and bucket. I can’t count how many times I’ve changed your clothes this month because I’ve let you soak yourself with the hose. But I’m happy to do it. I love how a bucket of water equals an afternoon of entertainment for you.

I hope you carry that attitude through life. Your dad and I have made a conscious decision not to provide you with tons of toys and not to provide ourselves with them either. This is not to say we’re deprived. We have a wonderful home and life, and you live across the street from a playground and a swimming pool, which makes you one lucky kid. We live in a country where people tend to buy a lot of things and spend a lot of time working to pay for those things. We hope you’ll see that kicking a soccer ball or playing with your dog or dancing to music, or, heck, splashing in a bucket of water, is as much fun as fiddling with the newest gadget. And that someday, your sweetest memories will not be of sitting in front of a screen but of playing beneath the blue Texas sky in the shade of a grand oak tree.

Love,

Mom

Month sixteen

Dear Eleanor,

Yesterday, you turned 16 months old. For most of the past month, I’ve had the Beatles song “I Want to Hold Your Hand” stuck in my head. When you’re reading this someday, you’ll have to look up the Beatles, I’m sure. What is Mom talking about? She is so lame!

That song has been in my head because you’re always reaching for my hand. You only want to play with your toys if I’m beside you. Your dad gets up with you in the morning, but as soon as I come down the stairs, you shriek with joy. As if I’d been lost at sea. For months! Then you take my hand and pull me to the back door so we can play outside.

We took you to Colorado for Uncle Dan’s wedding, and you were the flower girl. We doubted you would be willing to walk down the aisle, but when we handed you a basket of flower petals the night before – wow – it was on. You played with those petals for at least an hour and screamed when we took the basket – YOUR basket – away.

Then we saw the church. The aisle was 22 miles long, so it would take your little legs 16 hours to reach the front of the church. We agreed that I would walk with you and carry you as needed. You weren’t too keen on your outfit, especially your over-priced, uncomfortable shoes. Welcome to womanhood. When we reached the door to walk down the aisle, you hesitated at the site of all those people, but I gave you a little pull, and off we went. You walked the whole way without pause.

The rest of the trip went so smoothly that I can’t believe you’re the same child who joined us on the nightmare vacation last fall. You slept well and loved romping outside in the cool mountain air. We didn’t want to come home.

But we did come home, and you had to endure a big change. We had to start you with a new baby-sitter because the woman who had been watching you took an office job. As I tried to leave the first day, you wrapped yourself around my leg and howled. I knew that you would cry as long as I stayed, so I left with you in tears. I wish wish wish that you could have understood what was happening.

When most people write about motherhood, they write about how it’s the hardest job but also the best job. They write about loving their children unconditionally. All of that is true. The part that fewer people say is this: Motherhood breaks your heart over and over again. When I left you crying with the baby-sitter, I felt like an elephant had trampled across my chest. But for you to do anything good in life, I have to teach you to be brave, courageous, strong. The scariest things you will do in life are also the best things you will do: performing for an audience, visiting a new place, going away to college, falling in love, having a baby. So be brave, Eleanor. My hand might not always be there, but my heart is.

Love,

Mom

Month fifteen

Dear Eleanor,

Yesterday you turned 15 months old. Your dad and I were looking through recent photos of you last night, trying to find a picture of you smiling. We looked at photos from the past week. Nothing. Then from two weeks ago. Nope. We had to go back three weeks to find a smile. I do think that you’re having fun, but you take life oh-so-seriously. I’m sure that you’re going to do wonderful work at the UN or on the Supreme Court someday.

Perhaps the problem is this messy house we’re subjecting you to. You’re always pulling the Swiffer out of the pantry or using the washcloth to wipe your high chair after dinner (instead of your face, of course). You spend hours walking around with raspberries smeared in your hair, but that high chair is spotless.

One night after you had gone to bed, your dad and I sat down to watch a movie, but we couldn’t find the TV remote. We both got up and started to check the usual spots — the TV cabinet and the couch cushions. Then we looked under the furniture, figuring you had hidden it. Ten minutes later, your dad unearthed it in the drawer of our coffee table. This is the same place you often hide the coasters. Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say “hide”? I meant “put away.” I share your neat-freak tendencies, and I’m pretty sure that between the two of us, your father is never again going to be able to find his possessions.

The one place you do get messy is outside. Every time I let Abe out the back door, you come barreling over and squeeze through. And you’ve learned that we wear shoes outside, so if I’m washing the dishes or doing some other boring chore, you will carry a shoe over to me and try to put it on my foot. Because if I’m wearing shoes, I clearly have to go outside. You get into the yard and walk in a few circles, picking up leaves and bits of grass, occasionally stuffing them in your mouth before I race over. Sometimes your hands get dirty, and then you hold them in front of you and shake them as though alien beings have become attached to your body. Ack! Dirt! You cannot go on living like this!

You seem to be walking a line between babyhood and childhood, sometimes needing to be held and sometimes desperate to explore on your own. I do have to keep you from eating bugs and leaping off of our stairs, but I’m trying to give you a little space to grow up, too. Because that part is just as important as keeping the bugs out of your mouth.

Love,

Mom