All of the official business related to Genevieve’s death ended last week. We got back our photos from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and they are heartbreaking and lovely. I met with my doctor, who told me that every test came back normal. I am healthy, and Genevieve had no chromosomal abnormalities. Her umbilical cord was wound very tightly, so the blood flow to her might have been cut. But that is only a guess.
I’m struggling with that now — the helplessness. I had too much amniotic fluid, another thing that the doctors can’t explain though they are certain it didn’t cause her death, so my pregnancy was considered high-risk. Because of that, I had ultrasounds every week, and every week the technician told me that Genevieve looked healthy. My doctor says that if Greg and I try for another baby, I will have ultrasounds twice a week. To what end?
Now I am left to move forward in a world that makes no sense. All of the cliches fail. Everything happens for a reason. Except when a seemingly perfect baby dies. I could never justify the loss of her chance to laugh and dance and love. Everything works out in the end. Except when your family is left with a hole that can’t be filled.
The books I’ve read on grief explain that I will never get over this, that I will have to incorporate it into my life. So that is what I do now, one slow step at a time.
(Photo by Sandy Allen of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep)
